‘Twas the Night After Christmas
‘Twas the night after Christmas, when all through the House
Just one creature was stirring, he’s a bit of a louse;
He was sulking about and looking quite glum,
Though still hoping his colleagues would throw him one crumb;
Jordan and Comer were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of chairmanships danced in their heads;
And MTG with her computer, ready to watch until dawn,
The videos of her hero, the supreme QAnon;
She heard her phone, which she thought lay dead on the ground,
But plugged in, she learned, it could still make its happy sound;
Away she pushed the laptop, to her right side,
And she answered the call from that louse who lacked pride;
His voice sounded sullen, it was filled with despair,
“Marj, please help me, this is all so unfair!”
When, what to her gleaming eyes should appear,
But a plan that would get her all she held dear;
With a smile so wide, she told him her thought,
Of how his Speakership could be easily bought;
“I want on Oversight, and the Holman rule
And a hearing on insurrectionists being treated so cruel.”
Kevin quickly agreed and he now saw his path,
To get 218 votes, despite some members’ wrath;
He would call them one by one and see what they wanted,
And lacking a conscience, he wouldn’t even be haunted;
“Now GYM! now, SANTOS! now, GOSAR and ROY!
Onto NANCY! onto SCOTT!” though that one brought him no joy;
“Tell me what you want, please dispense with the jargon,
I’ll do anything, no matter how corrupt the bargain!”
He gave them all that they asked for, like Mayorkas impeached,
Though a few months ago it was the opposite he’d preached;
But that was back then, when he thought it was certain,
He would be Speaker, even if Trump ruled behind the curtain;
As dry leaves that lay before a wildfire must burn,
When they meet with the flames that in front of them churn;
So up in a blaze went the legitimacy of the new House,
Along with their deeds and their plans and all they espouse;
McCarthy, mind you, knew all of this, but he paid it no mind,
Votes for himself was his goal, to all else he was blind;
With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Another deal made, his integrity shred;
He was approaching the number he needed to hit,
He couldn’t rest now, not even for a bit;
On and on went the hours as he made all his calls,
Even to those who’d led insurrectionists through the halls;
As he exhorted his colleagues to give him their vote,
His face would grow red and he’d clear his throat;
There were a few who were hostile, and some told him no,
Thus, the list of what he gave up continued to grow;
His undignified act would almost be comical,
If the damage he was doing weren’t astronomical;
Now the morning was coming, but it was not yet light,
He needed a break, in which he could find delight;
So he sprang to the dais to imagine the grand moment,
When he’d overcome (really caved) to the great MAGA foment;
Anyone who passed by could hear him exclaim, quite abrupt,
HAPPY SPEAKERSHIP TO ME, NO MATTER HOW CORRUPT!